that girl

i love you i kiss you i tell you i love you and you look at me and say it to my ears and the words swim in my head down to my heart and it grows warm and big about to burst with the love i want to show you give to you but then you leave me and break our future our plans our daughter and well us and my heart you filthy thief i hate you im not going over there anymore im sorry i dont just want to be friends with you i want to love you but you took my heart crushed it and i grabed it just in time to save it i saved my heart from tearing in half as the love pours out of my heart half ripped i pick it up and with no regret pour your memorys your kisses and love and you out until my hearts left with nothing except the new me and i thank you for letting me go it was kind of a good thing although i hate you i never want to see you again i cut off every single connection to you im sorry but your never gonna hear from me again you filthy thief i hope you have a great life but i know no other man can love you like i did and if they could then wow good for you i hate you dispize you i dont regret bieng with you becouse you made me into some one nice kind loving caring and i thank you but you remained horrible jelous becouse i loved other girls as not friends but family sisters and you got jelous and you kept a little ball of hatred in you against me and it grew and grew till you became this horrible ugly thing of a moster inside your body you lied to me and broke my heart but im ok and you no what its your loss you always did make stupid choices and well you were imature and i wasent soo it doesint matter bye forever...

strength

well my heart got broken and i was depressed but for a week and well shes dead to me soo im moving on she was holding me back from persuing my dreams to going to california or going places that i can accomplish things more possibilitys more dreams more things,goals and now well its over she broke me but i still have my pride my honor and thank goodness ME i still have me and well im becoming more of that person i wanted to be its great (: it gows to show i dont need her.i can finally due what i want im free and i feel great and shes out of the way soo once i pass grade im off to persue my education be happy and keep going with my dream of bieng a skateboarder or a chef or a singer in a band i dont know i always thought i could do it well i can and well wouldint hurt to try right? lol dnt answer that but i mean im ok now but im still kinda sad how i still have i think six or more months till school ends and i cant take it i dont think i cant wait i just want to leave soo badly but ill wait to be honest i just want to buy the ticket and leave realy i do but i cant but its just puts me to tears and sadness and well they only thing that keeps me beleaving or alive is the thought of how happy id be over there with my family over there with my grandma and grandpa and aunt and uncles i miss them soo much i love them soo much they are keeping me alive there the reason im trying hard in school to pass so i can leave im leaving and im going to be happy and im not looking back and no ones going to take this away from me.

well things are straight now

well...so as some of you know some things happened in school and things happened at home i kinda don't want to talk about it but things are ok now and i am going to make damn good sure they stay that way something happened that kinda struck me with pain and missery but lets just say that my path is cleared of distractions and well i can focus more and know i can go places without bieng held back so im ok now i just need to recover and keep doing what im doing now bieng good im glad its all over...

memorys

i remember when i would hangout with my uncle and we would have soo much fun and i would make the whole family lauph and my uncles friends gosh they would tell me that im soo funny and hold me and tell me they love me then inside of me i would feel a small light in my heart grow bigger and BIGGER!! and my heart would make me see things in the best ways that could be seen through the naked eye i was soo happy in california i had the bestest friends they were like brothers but i never told them that if i could go back now i would tell them how much they mean to me and how they truely are like brothers to me and how much i love them god i miss them and i miss working at the taco van sounds cheesy but i dont care what you think :p it would be so fun and i would actualy have a good time and my grandfather would pay me like 50 bucks and i would be breath less but happy becouse i urned it and i earned the thought that he doesint think im a hard worker but that i am a hard worker and i get the job done and i try my heart out i miss the partys the lauphing the getting together at random times,days and just going to the back yard and lauphing partying and having a good time i miss the sunny weekends alone just waking up slipping on my shoes grabbing my skateboard and just blowing the stress away and just skateboarding in peace and lonely ness but i wouldint care it would be the best just to get out and relax by skateboarding having fun and just having a good weekend by skating with friends or just alone i miss going to jack in the box at like freaking 12:00 pm at night just to eat lol i know were crazy but it wouldint even be dangerous becouse of how of a good naighborhood i live in its great no violence no nothing but i guess some naighbors were scared bucouse my uncles are well were gang members and well still kinda look like gang members lol but na there good people you just have to get to no them there actualy pretty awsome there like brothers too me i miss everything i miss it all i wish i could leave over there right now...

wow here we go AGAIN!!!

like what is wrong with my life like all of a sudden it just got calm and happy and good and now its just falling apart my family's falling apart but i never realy considered my family a family becouse how my dad doesint live with us or how he's just not in the picture you no its like why i ask my self why my life ended up like this just why i feel like braking down and just giving up and just cry my self to sleep everyday its horrible they only thing that keeps me alive and beleaving is the thought in how i should never give up to keep trying till i get what i want and i wont stop until im finally happy but right now im not happy im sad im down i want to give up i want to cry my eyes out and i just don't know what to due every things getting effed up again i cant take it im gonna brake im going to i can feel it i swear if this goes on or if this problem gets bigger im going to explode with anger and i just wont be able to control myself i want to NEED!! TO! get the heck!!! out of here i cant take it i need to leave to california and live with my grandma in california i have it all happyness good friends sunny days and a job working with my grandma and well family and i consider my family in california to be a real family not this fake nothing ignorant piece of nothingness family i have in new york sure your my mother but you dont feel like one to me m sorry but its the truth and i dont think that will ever change i hate you i love my grandma like a mother i never had and i miss her soo much i miss you mom ).; i just cant take it i need to leave right now ill do anything whatever it takes just get me the hell!! out of here PLEASE I BEGG OF YOU!!! with every tear i have every hope and little happness in me that i have left save me i cant take it anymore get me out of here!!!.

life

life is kinda good i guess when i just thought things were going horrible they actualy turned up good my dad called me and he told me how i was and how he got me my christmas present already he said it was 300$ and i was thinking what did he get me!!! i dont know but for it to be 300$ is wowsers lol but.he said i was going to like it soo much and that just kinda got me thinking through the rest of the day im glad he called and made things better.then...i decided to write to my best friend bregan that i havent talked to in a long time i just realy needed someone to talk to realy badly and i missed her so i senther a message on myspace and i sighned off when i least expected it i got a message that says i got a message in my myspace inbox so i checked it out and it was bregan surprised as i was she said hi i missed you too we should talk and catch up with a smily face at the end of her paragraph but she always does that then i wrote yea we should and i gave her my number and she gave me hers and i said hey ill call you tomarrow and she said yea with a smily face again but she always does that lol then i guess that realy made my day i cant wait to talk to her again and see my dad i missed them both and i realy want to see them so things are ok now (: .

california

i miss california i wish i could go back i miss the sunny skyes the palm trees the good sunny days it just feels good being there i miss it alot i wish i could just buy the air plane ticket and just leave im tierd of new york its just soo depressing here i want to go back to L.A i wish i could leave.

thoughts...

well last night i was trying to go to sleep but i couldint i tried so hard but i couldint so many thoughts were racing through my mind it was unbeleaveable i just couldint sleep i was thinking soo much about how my life is soo boring and how it could be better but it isint it made me so damn sad like wow i just want to get out of here so badly i just want to leave... like why are things soo hard its not fare but what can i realy due so at 10:00 to 12:00 i thought about my life and how i can possibly want it to be easy and calm and fun but i just couldint think it through until finaly i said you no what im just going to live my life what ever comes my way ill just deal with it then i fell asleep hopefully things will get better though...

everything right now

well everything right now is going great things are okay but i cant help but to notice or wonder that why cant my life be a little bit more exciting then it is boring and normal i want something more fun in my life like well i kinda was having something in mind like hanging out with friends after school even though i already do that like i want to go skateboard or to go see stores well nobody is stooping me from doing these things its just that.its this area i live in its so depressing like i want to live somewhere where i can go out side hangout without me being afraid of getting stab to death or something like that like seriously like cant i live in a better naighborhood well i don't know but im leaving to california becouse its perfect over there its the perfect place for me to be happy in i have a great naighborhood and every,things great its always sunny over there its great (: but i need to pass this grade to go so im going to try my heart out so i can be happy becouse nothing comes easy you either have to work hard for it or your just lucky well i kinda am lucky but this time i have to try hard and i will...